


Interesting Times

by TseMoana



Category: Discworld - Terry Pratchett, Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Crossover, First Contact, Gen, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-06-12
Updated: 2011-06-12
Packaged: 2017-10-20 08:54:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,418
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/210979
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TseMoana/pseuds/TseMoana
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Voyager comes across an alien world that defies all laws of nature, they have to go down there and see it for themselves.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Interesting Times

"Captain, I'm getting some very strange readings." Harry looked up from his console as Janeway turned around to face him.  
"What is it, Ensign?"  
"I don't know Captain, the sensors are detecting lifeforms."  
"How is that strange?" Chakotay asked.  
"Lifeforms without a ship."  
"Can you get it on screen?"  
"Not yet, it's too far away."  
"Increase to Warp 3.5, Mr. Paris."  
"Yes, Ma'am," Tom said as he punched at his console. Only a few minutes later Harry looked up again.  
"I can get a visual now."  
"On screen," Janeway said, matter-of-factly.  
On the viewscreen appeared a slightly blurry image.  
"Magnify."  
Once magnified, mouths dropped all over the bridge.  
"Am I seeing that right?" Tom said, not believing his own eyes.  
"If you're seeing what I'm seeing, I'd say yes," Janeway said and turned to Harry.  
"Any explanations as to why there's a giant turtle out there?"  
"Not to mention the elephants," Chakotay added.  
"Uhm," Harry said as he punched some more buttons and again magnified the image, "there's more."  
"More?"  
Harry nodded; "there's land."  
"Land!?"  
"On top of the elephants... there's a world."  
"That's it, I've had enough. Tom, plot a course and get us into orbit."

"That cannot exist, tell me it cannot exist," Janeway said to Chakotay in her Ready Room, looking out the window on to the Alien World.  
"How do the turtle and the elephants breathe? And what about the world itself? It's not even spherical, it goes against all laws of nature."  
"It indeed seems to be an extremely rare world; it's kind of disc shaped really," Chakotay added.  
Janeway nodded and kept staring. Then she turned around to face Chakotay.  
"We're going down, research clothing, language… the usual."  
"Right away," Chakotay said with a smile. "I take it you will want to lead the Away Team yourself?"  
Janeway broke out in a big smile, "It’s a one time opportunity..."

"Energize."  
The Transporter Chief punched his console and the Away Team, consisting of Captain Janeway, Tom, B'Elanna and Harry dematerialized from the Transporter Pad.  
A second or two later, they rematerialized on the planet, or rather, disc.  
Janeway began scanning her surroundings and turned around to order the others to do the same. Except, there were no others. Immediately she tapped her commbadge.  
"Janeway to Voyager. Did the other three transport alright?"  
"Yes Captain, why?"  
"They're not here."  
"I'll run a scan."  
Janeway waited for them to finish, all the while tapping her foot.  
"They're down there alright, just all at different locations, I don't know what happened."  
"Beam them back up and try to get them here one by one."  
It was silent for a few seconds, then: "I can't get them Captain."  
"What do you mean; you can't get them!?"  
"Just what I say; I know where they are, but I can't transport them back."  
"All right, send me their coordinates and I'll go looking for them while you devise a way to get those transporters working."

Meanwhile, B'Elanna was looking around her at the unfamiliar surroundings. She had determined she was a) alone and b) inside a building. As her engineer mind took over she took a quick scan of the surroundings only to find that the tricorder didn't work and neither did her commbadge. She began checking the walls manually for a way out. And yes, after only a few seconds she found something woody, which turned out to be a door. Unfortunately, it was locked. B'Elanna punched the door a few times and when it didn't open she took a step back and gave it a kick; and another and a third before it finally smashed open. She stepped out carefully and found herself in a small corridor. She glanced out of the window and couldn't suppress a gasp, she wasn't in just a building, she was in a tower!

At the same time, Tom was pulling himself out of a haystack. He spit out a few straws as he brushed himself clean. Then he turned around expecting three other heads to emerge from the hay, but they didn't. Tom scanned the area, only to realise the tricorder didn’t work. He also realised the others weren't there. He hid himself from view behind the haystack and hit his commbadge.  
“Paris to Captain Janeway.” He frowned when nothing happened and tried again. Still nothing happened.  
"Paris to Voyager?" he then tried.  
"Yes, Lieutenant, don't tell, you're alone?"  
"Yeah, how'd you know?"  
"The Captain just informed us. You're spread around the disc, here's the coordinates. The Captain is closest by you, I suggest you try to find her and then search for the others, Voyager out," Chakotay said. Stunned Tom reviewed the coordinates send to his tricorder and set out to find the Captain.

"Hey, I thought we were supposed to be in a forest?" Harry said and turned around to face the others.  
"Captain? Tom? B'Elanna?!" Harry scanned the street he was standing in, but no sign of them. Starfleet training kicked in and he tried to contact the Captain, which didn’t work and then contacted Voyager only to be told exactly the same as Tom had just heard, even though Harry of course didn't know that.  
He studied the coordinates he'd been given and realised B'Elanna was closest.  
Hmm, he thought, if these are right, she should be in that direction. He looked up and saw a tall building there. That's a start, he thought and a smile began to form. As he began to walk up to the building he heard something.  
"Woof, Woof!" He looked back at the dog that was now behind him. There was something odd about the creature but he couldn't quite put his finger on it.  
'Give the doggie something, he looks quite hungry.'  
"Woof!"  
Instinctively Harry began to feel in his pockets but soon realised he didn't have anything.  
"I'm sorry doggie," he said, "I don't have anything for you." He turned around again and walked on to the building as a terrible smell hit his nostrils; after a second or so, they shut down out of misery.  
"Millennium hand and shrimp," he suddenly heard behind him. Surprised he turned around and was confronted with the sight of the most foul ole beggar you could find. He gasped for air but immediately realised that was not a good idea; half choking he managed to get away from the beggar but bumped into a man in a uniform.  
"I'm so sorry," he exclaimed as he got up and saw that the guard or something hadn't even moved.  
"You're new in the city aren't you?" asked the man, "I'm Captain Carrot, Ankh-Morpork Night Watch."  
"Harry," Harry managed to say, "Harry Kim."  
"Well, Mr. Kim," Carrot said, "Where are you from? You don't look like you're coming from the Ramtops or Überwald. Omnia maybe? Or Djelibeybi?"  
"Uh... I uh... Djelibeybi. C-could you tell me what that building is?"  
"That? Oh that's the Unseen University, where the wizards live. Going there?"  
Harry nodded, stunned at the mention of wizards.  
Carrot began to smile; “You’re going to study there?”  
“Uh... no I uh… am looking for a friend actually.”  
“Do you know the way?” Harry shook his head. “I’ll show you, follow me.” Carrot began to walk away and, not knowing what else to do, Harry followed.

Tom pushed the branches out of the way and was relieved to find he had left the forest. Finally!, he thought as he wiped twigs and leafs from his clothes. Then he looked up and checked out his surroundings. Cool!, he thought as he spotted the castle not very far down the road. He checked the coordinates again and tried scanning for the Captain. This time, the tricorder worked. Taking advantage of it, Tom did a full environmental scan. Surprised he studied the results. Hmmm, he thought, anyway the Captain is still that way. He continued down the road to the castle.  
About twenty minutes later he stood still in front of the castle gazing upwards.  
As he turned around to continue on the road down to the small village that was now visible about two, three miles ahead; he almost bumped into a woman.  
“I’m sorry,” he apologised.  
“That’s alright, we’re fine,” the woman said. Now Tom saw that she was indeed not alone, behind her legs, a young girl was staring at him.  
“Hi,” he said and gave the girl a quick wave.  
“I don’t believe I’ve seen you around before. My name’s Magrat, I live here.”  
“Here?” Tom asked glancing at the castle.  
“I’m the queen,” Magrat said, almost apologetic, “and this is the crown princess, Esmeralda.”  
Tom bowed before them a smile playing around his lips, a queen!  
“So,” Magrat continued, “where are you from?”  
“I’m uh… from quite far away actually.”  
“How far? Ankh-Morpork? Or farther like Omnia or Klatch?”  
“Ankh-Morpork!” Tom said, grasping the straw Magrat unknowingly offered him.  
“Well, that’s not even that far. So, why are you here up in Lancre than?”  
“I’m looking for someone,” Tom said, “Do you know someplace that sells maps?”  
“Nobody around here sells maps, hardly anybody sells anything here, but we have a map inside the castle. Come with me.”  
Tom shrugged and followed the Queen of Lancre inside her castle.

At the same time, Captain Janeway had reached the village. It was the middle of the day and there was nobody on the streets. Surreptitiously scanning the environment with the tricorder Janeway walked down the main street. When she reached the end of the street the village ended. Janeway reviewed the data on the tricorder and realised Tom was only a few miles away. She looked up at the castle she saw in the distance and knew he had to be there. She set on her way to it but had only taken a few steps when she found an old lady gathering herbs.  
“Good afternoon,” Janeway said, “could you tell me who lives in the castle up there?”  
The lady got up and looked Janeway up and down.  
“You’re not from around here, why’d you wanna know?”  
“I’m looking for a friend of mine and I’ve got reason to believe he’s there.”  
“What fancy language you’re using, I bets you is from Ankh-Morpork.”  
“I am,” Janeway said, without missing a beat, “and I arrived here with my friend, but he has gone missing.”  
“That’s where King Verence lives,” the lady said and returned to her gathering work.  
“Thank you,” Janeway said and continued on her way, once looking back to find the lady now gone.

B’Elanna crept through the small corridors of the tower. She had no idea exactly where she was but she did know she was going down. After a few more minutes of going down, she reached a door.  
She laid her ear against it and listened just as a rather loud bang sounded inside. She yanked her head back, covering her ears; which of course was of no use since the bang had already been.  
Just as she got back up from the slightly bent attitude she had been standing in, the door flew open and a young man, dressed in a robe with a pointed hat on his head, came running out. Before any of them knew what happened, they bumped into each other. Bumping seemed to be contagious today.  
“Whaaaaa!?” the man yelled, “y-y-you’re a w-w-woman!” B’Elanna raised her eyebrows.  
“Yes, I am.”  
“What are you doing here?! Women aren’t allowed in the university, especially not here!”  
“Who are you to tell me? Don’t think I want to be here,” B’Elanna snapped, “All I want is to get out of this place. I don’t even know what this place is!”  
The man didn’t answer right away, stunned as he was with her reply.  
“Oh, okay,” he said, “Well then, I-I’m Ponder Stibbons, and you’re in the High Energy Magic Building, part of the Unseen University.” Ponder glanced at B’Elanna’s forehead with the ridges.  
“And uhm, if you want to get out, I guess I c-could show you the way out.”  
“That would be nice,” B’Elanna said, cooling off a bit.  
“Th-through here,” Ponder said pointing to the door he had just come out.  
“Okay,” B’Elanna said and smiled at him. Ponder turned around and re-entered the room.  
“Why were you running out so fast?” B’Elanna enquired.  
“Oh, well, it was Hex,” Ponder answered, “I went to find one of my students to help me, but that can wait, at least until you’re gone – I’ll get into big trouble if someone finds you here with me,” he explained as he saw B’Elanna’s frown.  
“Hmmm, and who’s Hex?”  
“What. Hex’s a what. It’s a machine that calculates things.”  
“You mean like a computer?” B’Elanna flapped before she mentally smacked herself for mentioning a computer in a largely pre-industrialized society.  
“A what?”  
“Oh, that’s a term me and my friends have for machines that do things like that.” Ponder stared at her for a moment ready to ask something; but he let it go.  
“This is Hex,” he said and pointed to the enormous installation with glass tubes, an ant farm, beehives, a clothes wringer, pictures that seemed to be of religious nature, an hourglass, ram skulls, a teddy bear and a mouse in the middle. On the front was a big quill pen.  
“Whoa…” B’Elanna said, “and this actually works?”  
“Most of the time, but really I don’t know that much about it, I should, I designed the thing, but it seems to go on by itself now. It asked for the mouse itself and it gets extremely, well, annoyed if we don’t feed it regularly. And so on…”  
B’Elanna approached the machine and studied it.  
+++ Hello +++ Hex wrote.  
“What?”  
“It can tell you’re here,” Ponder said, we recently gave it eyes.” He pointed a bit above them where a construction of glass, light and mirrors was placed.  
“Can it also hear?”  
Ponder nodded and indicated the drum and tube that formed Hex’s ear.  
“But you can use the keyboard too.” B’Elanna nodded and turned back to Hex.  
“Hi,” she said, “How are you doing?”  
+++ I am doing fine +++

“Here it is,” Carrot said as he stopped for the University. Harry stopped behind him, leaning against the wall. As soon as Harry had let it slip that he didn’t know he city at all; Carrot had so charmingly offered to take him on a tour that he had not been able to refuse. Therefore, Carrot had taken him in an extensive tour all through the city which had lasted two hours.  
Harry straightened himself and wondered how to get rid of Carrot now, he needed to scan the environment and if B’Elanna was in here, he had to figure out how to get in.  
“Well, Captain,” Harry said, “it’s been a fascinating tour, thank you very much. Now, let me no longer keep you, I’m sure you have other matters to attend to.”  
Carrot gave Harry one of his big smiles and said: “Actually I am off duty now, I could introduce you?”  
“Oh no! Uhm… that will not be necessary Captain, really. Please, let me no longer hold you up…”  
“Very well, have a good day,” Carrot said after which he turned around and left. Harry sighed, leaning against the wall. As soon as Carrot was around the corner, he turned a corner and retreated in a small alley. There he pulled out his tricorder, only to find it had stopped functioning. Frustrated he banged it with his fist resulting in a few lights that began flashing and a soft whirring noise. He quickly pointed it at the University and was able to confirm B’Elanna’s presence in the building before it shut down again. Harry walked through the alley and reached the back of the University where he saw the big tower he had seen earlier. That was where B’Elanna was. He quickly ran towards the entrance and tried the door. It wasn’t even locked and so he slipped inside.  
Scanning here was completely impossible, not even banging the tricorder made it work. Cautiously he approached the stairs and began ascending it.

Captain Janeway had reached the castle and was now scanning it. As she reviewed the data, she nodded to herself.  
‘Again those readings,’ she softly said to herself, ‘anyway Tom’s in there so let’s go and get him.”  
She walked into the inner court where she was stopped by a short reddish young man.  
“Halt!” he said.  
Janeway stopped and looked at him, amused at his appearance.  
“Who are you… and what… business… do you have here?” the man said trying to remember what to say according to the Queen.  
“My name is Kathryn Janeway,” Janeway said, “and I am looking for a friend of mine who is currently present in the castle.”  
“Oh, well, alright. I’m Shawn, I’m the guard. Come on in, I’ll announce you.”  
Stunned, Janeway followed Shawn who had left in a run.  
When she reached the door Shawn had just gone through, she hesitated and listened as she heard a rambling noise. Cautious she pushed the door open and entered. There she found Shawn with a trumpet in his hands waiting for her.  
“If you’ll wait here, I’ll inform the queen.” With that, Shawn ran up the stairs.

Tom stood bent over the map.  
“Where are we now exactly?” Magrat came standing next to him and pointed.  
“That’s Lancre, here’s the castle and here’s Ankh-Morpork.” Tom nodded and retrieved his tricorder.  
As he reviewed the last data he had collected, he noticed Magrat staring at the device. Mentally he slapped himself for not being more careful.  
“What’s that?” she asked.  
“It’s uhm… a new device, it measures and stuff,” he said, trying to keep it vague, knowing all too well that this Discworld did not have that kind of technology. He managed to turn his attention back to the map and tried to figure out where exactly the Captain was.  
Just then, someone knocked at the door.  
“Yes,” Magrat said.  
The door opened and Shawn entered.  
“What is it Shawn?”  
“There’s a lady here to see you Miss,” Shawn said, “says her name is Kefin Jeinwhey.” Tom snapped his head up and a smile began to form, leave it up to the Captain to come and find her crew, he thought. Magrat looked confused and gave Tom a questioning look. He just nodded.  
“That’s probably my friend,” he said, “I guess she found me first.”  
“We’re coming, Shawn, show her to the throne room.”  
Shawn saluted and ran back down the stairs.

Janeway stood waiting near the stairs when Shawn came back down again.  
“The queen will see you,” he said and headed for another door. He opened it wide and pointed inside.  
“You can wait here.” Janeway entered the room and heard the door close behind her. She walked around a bit as she looked at the tapestries and the view through the windows. Just as she sat down on a chair at the big table standing in the middle, the door flew open and Shawn entered blowing his trumpet. Captain Janeway suppressed the urge to cover her ears and got up.  
“The queen, Miss Magrat!” Shawn announced.  
Magrat entered rubbing her ears and was followed by Tom.  
“Tom!” the Captain said.  
“Hello Ma’am,” he answered, avoiding the word Captain.  
“Your Majesty,” Janeway said addressing Magrat.  
“Hello Mrs… Jeenwhey?”  
“Janeway, Kathryn Janeway; and it’s Miss,” Janeway corrected with a smile.  
“Well, Miss Janeway, welcome in Lancre castle.”

When Harry reached the top of the stairs, he didn’t see or hear anything. Cautiously he approached the first door and listened.  
Nothing.  
He listened at the second door.  
Nothing.  
He listened at the third door.  
Nothing.  
Or… yes, there was something there. Vaguely he could make out B’Elanna’s voice, or se he thought.  
Then, he heard laughing and was sure.  
‘She’s in there!’ he said to himself. Carefully he pushed the door open and peeked inside. B’Elanna was sitting in front of a giant installation with next to her a man. Together they were talking and pressing buttons.  
Harry pressed his commbadge and whispered: “Harry to B’Elanna.”  
Nothing happened. That which was blocking the tricorders also blocked the commbadges.  
Damn. Well, no time like the present to take some risks, Harry thought and he pushed the door further open and entered. B’Elanna and the man looked up to see who was coming.  
“Harry!” B’Elanna said, “how’d you find me? The tricorders don’t work in here!?”  
“Not in here, but they do outside, I scanned and it said you were here. But I had only hopes to still find you here when I finally got here myself.” Harry had now reached the other two and the installation.  
“I got taken on an extensive tour of the city by a watchman named Carrot.”  
B’Elanna chuckled.  
“I spent my time here; this is a very fascinating piece of technology, of sorts.”  
“Uhm.”  
“Oh, this is Ponder Stibbons, he built this, it’s called Hex.”

“So, all you have to do is get back to Ankh-Morpork?” Magrat concluded.  
“Yes,” Janeway said, “that’s all.”  
They had, in very careful wording, made up a story about how they had gotten lost and needed to get back to Ankh-Morpork. Which was apparently the name of the city where, according to the data Voyager had sent them, Harry and B’Elanna were.  
“Well, the next coach doesn’t leave till the day after tomorrow,” Magrat said  
“The day after tomorrow!?” Tom exclaimed.  
“Tom!” Janeway warned him, “There’s no way for us to go earlier? It’s really important we get there as soon as possible.”  
“Well, Shawn could take you in our coach if it’s that urgent,” Magrat offered.  
“It is that urgent and it would be great if you would be so kind Majesty, thank you.”  
So, about half an hour later, Janeway and Tom drove out of the main gate and went on their way to Ankh-Morpork.  
“Tom, did you get any funny readings?”  
“Yes,” Tom said, surprise, “as a matter of fact I did.

Back in Ankh-Morpork, B’Elanna, Harry and Ponder were busy with Hex. Ponder, immensely glad to finally find someone outside of Adrian who understood the concepts, could hardly stop talking and explaining. Harry, who was the recipient of Ponders waterfall of words, immersed himself in the discussion. B’Elanna, on the other hand, kept out of it, having already heard all about Hex while Harry was looking for her. She had been thinking about their situation after Harry had told her they had been scattered and that the transporters weren’t functioning. Now, she was talking with Hex.  
“So,” she said, in the vicinity of the ‘ear’, “tell me, what is this funny reading I get here.” She punched a few buttons on her tricorder which she had managed to hook up to Hex by putting it in a box filled with zero’s and ones made out of cardboard, cork and metal accompanied by a colony of ants. The ants began moving the numbers around and Hex began rattling.  
+++ Thaum +++  
“What’s thaum?”  
+++ The elementary particle of magic +++  
“Magic does not exist.”  
+++ Error +++  
“Hypothetically then,” B’Elanna said.  
+++ Hypothetically speaking it is possible there are worlds without magic. Discworld however is not one of them +++  
“So, continuing on the hypothesis tour, space flight...”  
+++ Again, hypothetically possible, however not on Discworld +++  
“Now I got ya’; I come from a space ship currently in orbit of this world.”  
Long rattling followed.  
+++ Possible +++  
“So, still hypothetically to be on the safe side, we have technology that can dematerialize our bodies into their atoms and then rematerialize them somewhere else. Suppose it’s broken, unknown origin, how to repair?  
Now the rattling lasted even longer, it didn’t happen any day that a magical machine got to answer questions concerning spaceflight and related technology while it did not exist on the disc itself.  
+++ Hypothesis approved -- Error +++  
“Where’s the error?”  
+++ Insufficient data concerning transport machine +++  
“Of course,” B’Elanna muttered to herself. “Harry, did you by any chance bring a padd?”  
“As a matter of fact I did,” he said, barely managing to get away from Ponder to give B’Elanna the padd.  
“What’re you doing?”  
“Talking with Hex about our problem.”  
“What!? B’Elanna think about the Prime Directive.”  
“I am, but if we have to wait till they fix it… Well, it might take a while. And besides, I could find a way to erase it.”  
“Fine,” Harry said and returned to Ponder. B’Elanna began working on the padd and then laid it down in the box with numbers and ants. “Try this in combination with the previous hypothesis.”  
Hex rattled.  
+++ Error +++  
B’Elanna sighed; “What’s wrong now?”  
+++ Unfamiliar with results of certain suggested operations +++  
“Fine, let’s try something else then for a minute or so, any other means of getting off the disc and back to our ship.” She programmed the tricorder to show the orbital data of Voyager and put it back into the box.  
+++ Other smaller craft +++  
“A shuttle, possibly, but it would attract attention.”  
+++ Transporter +++  
“We just had that, it’s not functioning.”  
+++ Repair it +++  
“We don’t know how, give suggestions.”  
+++ Error +++  
“Oh, don’t tell, ‘unfamiliar with results of certain operations’ right?”  
+++ Yes +++  
“Okay, then, again, something else, why was the transporter malfunctioning in getting us here.  
+++ Request: familiarity with Thaum +++  
“None, Thaums are unknown to us.  
+++ Unfamiliar reaction with Thaum particles +++  
“Good, now, what do we do about it?”  
Hex rattled…  
“Listen,” Ponder then said, “you must be hungry, why don’t you stay here then I’ll get us something to eat.”  
“That would be absolutely great, thanks,” B’Elanna said as she turned around.

Meanwhile, Tom and Captain Janeway where already good deal on the way to Ankh-Morpork; Shawn had gotten word to go as fast as possible. He had promised them to get them there in half a day instead of the usual whole day. And indeed, they were now three hours on the way and had just stopped for a short sanitary break in the bushes where Shawn had assured them they would be in Ankh-Morpork in three hours.  
Janeway tapped her commbadge again to try contacting Harry or B’Elanna like she had done once every fifteen minutes since they had left the castle. And again, it led to nothing, the commbadge was dead.

“Hex?” B’Elanna asked after she had eaten the sandwiches Ponder had brought and turned back to Hex who was still rattling.  
“You okay?”  
+++ Yes +++  
“What’s taking so long?”  
+++ Complicated question +++  
“Can you hold for a minute?”  
+++ Operation paused +++  
“Okay, in between question, are the commbadges also malfunctioning because of Thaum?”  
+++ Most likely, for further information, input data +++  
“Not necessary, continue processing previous question, give me an estimated time when you’re done.”  
+++ Approximately three hours +++  
“Great, warn me when ready.”  
+++ Affirmed. Continuing… +++  
B’Elanna turned away from Hex and joined the two men who were now sitting in a corner playing tic tac toe.  
“Enjoying yourselves?”  
“Immensely!” Ponder beamed. Harry didn’t answer.  
“Hex’ll need about three hours to finish the transport question,” B’Elanna said to Harry, “is Ponder a bit up to speed about us?”  
Harry nodded; “He knows we’re from a starship in orbit and got here by means of sophisticated technology and that it’s broken and we can’t go back.”  
“I also know to keep it silent,” Ponder added, “and besides, no-one’d believe me anyway. I’m not even sure they believe me anyway.”  
B’Elanna joined the two at the table and they played a few games together when Ponder jumped up.  
“I’ll teach you a game you’ll like, how ‘bout Cripple Mr Onion?”  
He dashed away and returned with a pack of cards and while he dealt, he began explaining the rules.

Three hours later, Tom and Captain Janeway reached the gate of Ankh-Morpork where Shawn stopped.  
“Here it is,” he said.  
“Very good,” Janeway replied, “let us no longer keep you, I’m sure the queen needs you back as soon as possible.”  
“Yes Ma’am,” Shawn said as he climbed back up onto the coach.  
“Be careful buddy,” Tom said as Shawn turned the coach and rode of.  
Janeway and Tom then entered the city where they were stopped by two men in uniform.  
“Halt!” the big one said.  
Janeway looked at him, it almost seemed as if he was made from stone…  
“Yes,” she said.  
“What is your business in the city?” the second guard, a very small one with an iron helmet and very long beard asked.  
“We’re here to meet some friends,” Tom said.  
The big guard nodded and lowered the spear he had thrust in front of them. As they walked on, they didn’t look back but stopped as soon as they turned a corner.  
“Was he stone??” Tom said.  
“It looked like it,” Janeway answered and pulled out her tricorder.  
“It’s working!” she said and scanned the surroundings.  
“He’s made of stone alright,” she added as she scanned in the direction of the gate.  
“Harry and B’Elanna are over there,” she then said pointing towards the west, “I think in the vicinity of that high building. The levels of that new particle around there are huge, and their trace is vanishing there.”  
Tom nodded and the two headed for the building.  
Soon however they had to admit they were lost. They seemed to be walking in circles and getting no closer to the building at all. Suddenly they ran into the two guards again.  
“You two again,” the small one said, “you haven’t mace much progress haven’t you, still wandering around in the gate area.”  
“We’re trying to find that building but we can’t seem to find the way, Janeway said.  
“What building? Oh you mean the University. We’ll show you it’s not far from the Watch House. I’m Corporal Littlebottom, this is Sergeant Detritus.”  
“I’m Kathryn Janeway, this is Tom Paris. And we would appreciate it very much if you could show us the way.”  
So, the watchmen led them through the city until they reached a square.  
“This is Pseudopolis Yard, where the Watch House is. To reach the University you follow Holofernes Street over there all the way to the end and then you go right, pass the monument left and then right. Then you’re in Peach Pie Street which you follow and take the second left, then the first left and first right. You’ll end up on Sator Square, directly in front of the University.”  
“Thanks,” Tom said while he tried to keep his tricorder out of sight. He and Janeway entered the street the Corporal had indicated were Tom pulled out the tricorder.  
“I managed to get all the directions in here,” he said and reviewed them.  
“Scan for Harry and B’Elanna again, this is already the back of the building.”  
“It’s beginning to malfunction again, but it looks as if they’re in the area around the tower.”  
“Then let’s go there, take left here instead of right,” Janeway said as they passed the monument. They did and managed to find a way into the back of the University yard. They hurried towards the tower and entered it.  
“The tricorder is completely offline, the particle density here is too high for it too handle I think.”  
“We’re going up, if they’re here, they’re upstairs.”

“Hahaaa, Five Card Onion, I win again,” B’Elanna said as she grabbed the peanuts from the table. Ponder had suggested, since they were unfamiliar with the game, they play for peanuts. B’Elanna however had proven quite an adept at it, she had now all the peanuts and Harry and Ponder none.  
“Okay,” Harry said, “I give up, no more peanuts. Remind me never to play poker with you.”  
“Poker? What’s poker?” Ponder asked.  
“A game quite alike Cripple Mr Onion actually,” Harry said, “only we have other cards and combinations.” Suddenly Ponder jumped up.  
“Did you hear that?”  
“What?” B’Elanna said as she also jumped up. She had had to hide in a closet once already an hour ago, when another wizard had come by.  
“Someone’s coming! Hide!” Ponder shrieked as B’Elanna retreated into the closet.  
“Get rid of him as soon as possible, the smell in here is terrible,” she snarled to Harry and Ponder as the two men went to stand around a still rattling Hex. Half an hour ago, Hex had said it would take another half hour to hour to come up with an answer.  
“How far along is Hex?” Harry asked as he checked the ants that were shuffling around with the zero’s and ones.  
“Should be any minute now,” Ponder said as he indicated the door and added in a whisper, “They’re here, why aren’t they coming in?”  
“I’ll check,” Harry replied softly and he walked towards the door and laid his hand on the knob. He shot a glance at Ponder and thrust the door open.  
…  
“Captain!” Harry said.  
“Harry?” Tom said.  
“Ensign” Janeway said.  
“Come in, quick.”  
Tom and Janeway stepped inside.  
“Ponder, get B’Elanna out of the closet,” Harry called back.  
A few seconds later, B’Elanna emerged and the four people began telling each other what had happened to them.

“So,” Janeway said, after they were all finished talking, “this Hex has not given us an answer yet?”  
At that moment, Hex beeped.  
+++ Finished +++  
B’Elanna headed for Hex, followed by the others.  
“Speak up, what do you suggest?”  
+++ Analyse Thaum +++  
“How, our technology is apparently incompatible with it, it stops functioning when it comes in contact.”  
+++ Trial by error method +++  
“Makes sense,” Harry added, “we can try to contain some Thaum and see what equipment will work with it.”  
“Hmm, I doubt if it will work, I mean we can probably contain it, but how do we get it aboard to study? A shuttle attracts too much attention and transporters malfunction because of it,” Janeway said.  
+++ Wizard +++ Hex then added.  
“What do you mean?” B’Elanna asked.  
+++ Wizards are familiar with Thaum, have a wizard help +++  
“That’s a great idea, Hex, thanks.”  
+++ You are welcome B’Elanna +++  
“Ponder, can you do anything, magic us back to Voyager or something?” B’Elanna asked.  
“I could try…”  
“Can you bring one of us back when that person has a container of sorts with Thaum?” Janeway asked.  
“Maybe, I don’t know.”  
“Let’s try it. We’re going to have to find something to hold the Thaum and a way to get it in it.”  
They searched around the place were Ponder found a glass bottle.  
“Perfect,” said Janeway, “Now how are we going to get Thaum particles into it?”  
“I could put a spell on some object and put it in it, that should result in an amount of Thaum in and around the object,” Ponder said and proceeded to get a teddy bear that was lying in a corner.  
“A teddy bear?” Janeway asked.  
“A leftover from Hex, it preferred the other bear.” Ponder then put a spell on the bear causing it to change colour to a sickly green, and change size until it was about the same size of a billiard ball.  
“It’s not much,” he said apologetically as he put the bear in the bottle, “but it should work. But to get one of you back to your ship I’ll need more info, like where exactly is it?”  
“It’s in a standard orbit, but I don’t know exactly where it is now. Can’t you use magic to find it?” Harry said.  
Ponder shrugged and gestured to form a small, floating, glowing ball. He looked into it until he found the ship and then closed his hands around the ball to make it disappear.  
“Let’s go over there and I’ll try. Who’s going?”  
“Harry, are you willing to go? You’ll have to work on it together with Seven,” Janeway said.  
“Yes Captain, I’ll go,” Harry said and took the now closed bottle with the bear in it.  
“Ready?” Ponder asked.  
“Ready as I can be, go ahead.”  
Ponder worked his magic well, the room seemed to shine in octarine light and a twirl of darker octarine circled around Harry. Suddenly, FLASH!  
When the others regained their sight, Harry was gone. Tom pulled out his tricorder, but it didn’t work.  
“All we can do is wait,” Janeway said.  
“You do have to hide when someone comes,” Ponder warned Janeway, “women are not allowed in the university.”  
“Let’s play some more Cripple Mr Onion,” B’Elanna suggested, I’ll give you each a third of my peanuts so we can start even.”  
“Cripple Mr Onion?” Tom asked.  
“A game, somewhat like Poker, Ponder can explain it perfectly.”  
“Why not,” she said and the three people sat down at the table.

It was an hour later and again B’Elanna had all the peanuts except about ten from Janeway. She quickly put them in her mouth after saying: “You’re not getting these too, Lieutenant.”  
Suddenly, her commbadge chirped and Harry’s voice came through.  
“Voyager to Captain Janeway.”  
“Janeway here,” she said after tapping her badge, “are you alright?”  
“Perfectly Captain, Seven and I have been studying the Thaum and we think we’ve got a way to make the transporters work through it. Stand by”  
“Go ahead.”  
Tom and B’Elanna got up and went to stand by the Captain.  
“Wait,” Ponder said as he packed the Cripple Mr Onion Cards and gave them to B’Elanna, “take these with you.”  
“Thanks Ponder,” B’Elanna said as she smiled at him, “I’ll never forget this adventure, thanks for teaching me the game.”  
Then, Harry called again.  
“We’re ready, energizing…”  
Ponder looked as the familiar dematerializing effect, now slightly octarine coloured, appeared and the three people vanished.

 _“Captain’s Log, stardate 54393.2. It’s been three days since we visited the Discworld. It has been a remarkable experience in more than one way. The game known as ‘Cripple Mr Onion’ has been spreading aboard Voyager since we got back, the cards have been replicated a record of 36 times and B’Elanna has even found a few opponents who can match her. We continued analyzing the Thaum, but it dispersed as soon as we were more than 10 million kilometres away from the Disc. Odd however is that all our research and the data we collected concerning this particle have been evaporated from our computers. Seven and Harry say they can’t find a trace of it anywhere. Even though it’s a shame, I do think it’s for the best. Who knows what would happen if the knowledge about such a particle got around the galaxy. All in all, we’ve had some interesting times. End Log.”_


End file.
